personal information waltz

part one

2009-06-11T18:32:04Z

a few days late but here's my birthday:

i had work friday night (that's the 5th, kids ! ) but lauren and i were suppose to go out for drinks at midnight. as i was waiting for lauren, rob picked mem up and brought me to his house for a pregame drink. it was nasty....guh never again. lime vodka with pink lemonade.... i wanted to gag -.-. but then lauren showed up and took on her duty of my drinking coach with vigor ! she made me finish it with her cheer of "drink, drink, drink, drink". this is the cheer that killed me that night. thanks lauren- god, i love you haha.

from there we ventured to Thatcher's ! RIGHT when we walked in, a girl was walking out and she goes "i'm leaving and NOW the pretty girls come in !" i was buzzed by then so i confusingly turn to lauren and ask "WHAT did she say!!?" and lauren just goes, "she said you were pretty, hunny, come on." thanks little lesbian !

then we met alexa and sarah who came to help me celebrate ! but while walking around trying to find them we were stopped ! o.o from behind me i hear these shouts "anna ! anna !" i turn around and who do i see but Chris Mawson, Dave Martocci, and Dan Connolly ! i knew it- i knew i'd see kids i graduated with hahah. afterwards we found alexa and sarah and chilled with them for a bit while i lauren made me choke down my first drink- a long island iced tea- which should NOT have been consumed as quickly as it was. there was a friend of alexa and sarah's who was also celebrating his 21st (from the 5th i think) who also had one and agreed that it was way too strong for normal people. somehow lauren and i ended but floating back towards chris, dan, dave though where we also meet, low and behold, the infamous and elusive Brian Snyder. well i'll be damned- i spent my 21st birthday with Mawson, D-Conn, Tooch, and B-Snydes. who would have thought? we spent most of the night with them, mostly cuz after.... i think my SECOND screwdriver? oh, i don't remember. all i know is i got way too distracted to remember who i came with and where i was going hahaha.

SO as happens with most 21st birthdays, it ended in the bathroom. but the best part about this is i dont REMEMBER all of the... detoxing hahah. i remember being there and everything. but its all a blur and i dont remember any pain or anything. thank god haha. lauren and my mom were up in my bathroom with me till 4 am. LAUREN I LOVE YOU ! you're the best person i could have had take care of me on my birthday !!! i'm just so relieved there are no pictures.... i would die haha.

the next day (or my REAL birthday day) i actually woke up at around 11 am on my own and only had a minor tummy ache and head ache. i actually managed to go to lunch with my parents ! we went to P. F Cheng's, my first time being there, and it was delicious. i didnt expect it to be so good. but i also didnt eat much. my stomach couldnt handle it obviously haha. so i chilled at home until dinner time when i went to Lake Sea for sushi dinner with my friends ! thanks to all of you who came and those who couldnt dont worry ! it was short notice, i know ^-^. but that was fantastic.... i still cant believe Lake Sea's sushi is as good as it it. and that staff is the friendliest people ive ever met.  after being there ONCE they remembered me for the second haha. they even gave us a sick discount on the sake and free icecream for everyone ! but i didnt drink.... i couldnt do that to my tummy haha.

all and all it was a fun birthday ! i got my new camera from my parents.  its a brown Sony Cyber-Shot T90. its beautiful and i love it:

its so pretty ! ^-^ touchscreeen and everything. BUT yesterday was one of the best days in a while ! second update and pictures soon !

"Down the dirty streets of Constantinople
The beggars weep, their hands all wide open
Their severed leper limbs all swing and sway.

At a windowsill in Constantinople
Our Hero sighs to melodies noteful
And gazes on the walls that hold his love."

21?!

2009-06-06T03:10:56Z

i feel like this journal has become more and more obsolete. i dont really need it. although i still want to keep it up. it difficult though. i dont have the time ! there's so much i've missed relaying in here... parties, excursions, concerts, silliness- its all in my head but i have yet to document it. there arent even many pictures since my brother got my camera drunk on gin. yea- its dead. oh well i hated that camer anyways haha.

in less than an hour i turn 21. its funny- i never cared about turning 21. i was never very excited for it- just another day, another year. but im excited. im genuinely psyched for my birthday ! i'll be going to rob's possibly for a bit then off to THATCHER'S for my first official drink at a bar. i dont really care where i go as long as i'm with a good friend- LIKE LAUREN ! ^-^

entry cut short. its birthday time XD

oh snap

2009-05-26T15:09:56Z

having to have someone drive your car home and yourself for you TWICE within one week is bad. bad bad bad. thanks rob for all that vodka ! hahaha im not even 21 yet and so far this summer is becoming less and less sober by the day. well shit. it IS summer. and everyone's home. why not? so far i have fantastic memories attached to it all, even the ones i dont remember but apparently happened :x. summer go !

-

2009-05-20T15:50:38Z

fuck you math. fuck you

only in dreams

2009-05-12T20:01:50Z

so i just remembered a few hours ago that i had dream last night Jen Lekman was playing tag with me. He was playing in like.... a high school or college campus and it took me FOREVER to get to the show. i heard him play 2 songs and then somehow disappeared. when i got BACK to the gym where he was playing, he had stopped performing and begun playing tag with people. i got all excited and IMMEDIATELY threw myself into the game. that is all.

he was dressed like that too, only with khaki pants i think and pale blue suspenders..... i would definately play tag with whimsical jens lekman.

almost there

2009-05-12T05:57:20Z

on mother's day pat ackerman brought me a brown bagged lunch while i was at work. at 10:30 in the morning. im so glad people are finally coming home from school ^-^ tomorrow is my last exam and im not excited for it. i think i failed my math class. meaning i'll have to suffer through that uselessness again. fuck it. BUT ! i got a 96% in my teaching ed class. my professor apparently loved me when i thought he hated me and wants to help me get through any obstacle i encounter on my journey to becoming an educator. that's a plus. although he said something that is all too- he told me i sell myself short.; that i dont see in me all of the potential that he sees and that he's sure others see as well. gotta work on that huh?

me with my lunch made by pat- and scarey people behind me. i just noticed that dave is going to shoot paul with butter cream
the insides of the lunch ! it just so happens to be the classic "ackerman lunch" that he had everyday of high school. peanut butter and jelly on a potatoe hamburger roll, homemade rice crispy treat, drink, and fresh strawberries (which we dipped in chocolate) delicious.
poor sean. sandy had a ball though
so paul and i together, sandy loves me, and no ones loves sean. yay for silliness and confusion ! dont worry sean- once that calendar comes out, you'll be back on top

i doodled this in my french text book when i was suppose to be studying. it's dracula's daughter and she's got it bad
ikea has some fucked up swedish books hanging around
piplup in the DQ !

we made him our king- see how he reigns over the inferior gummi bears ! >:o

                                                 * * *

"Then I'll see clearly to the end of the ropes that I've been hanging from
As they loosen from the trees and plummet to the ground
Be impailed and turned around

I'm finally free from the ups and downs
And I'm gonna get to the bottom of this
Gonna peel back my skin
and look at myself shaking and shivering"

cinco de sake?

2009-05-06T16:32:53Z

i really enjoy:

- free sake at japanese resturants
- going to dairy queen, drunk, and getting a watermelon misty for round two
- dancing to "billy liar" and vampire weekend in a car- still intoxicated
- mixing said misty with vodka and sucking at call of duty as the germans
- decemberists and deathcab sing-a-long WHILE playing call of duty drunkenly and failingly (<-- not a word but i like it anyways)
- cooking lemon pepper chicken with a screw driver in my hand
- having a ridiculously loud evening with crazy people in liz's house and hearing her say, "i'm a terrible mother- all my kids are drunk !"- not true liz ! youre a wonderful mother BECAUSE all of your kids are drunkk ^-^

DN and i had a crazy cinco de mayo. lets do it again sometime

oh yea... this !

2009-05-02T20:33:01Z

i just punched my hand into hard plastic, made it go numb, screamed at my computer, and threw my notebook across my room. i feel fantastic... im really going to fail my math class. its fucking elementary algebra and i cant stand how stupid i feel that i cant do it... i dont like the fact that something that im forced to care about brings tears to my eyes because i cant figure it out. why couldnt william paterson just take my math course from stockton? i passed it after going to math class for an extra 10 hours a week ontop of 6. this time around i didnt care... i tried though. god what a waste of money.... and 2 summer courses is $1800? out of my own pocket? yea- dont worry, anna. your father didnt get any bonuses this year but he did get a paycut. and your grandmother fell down in a church parking lot and had to go to the hospital and all, but william paterson is going to raise your tuition for ONLINE courses. and you dont have to worry about your car being fully in your name or anything like that and car insurance payments or anything.... dont worry. your debt wont increase. but you will have to sit through this math class again. you will feel like a complete moron. wait- this is ALL true. fuck me.... <end bitching mode.>

actually that is most of the bullshit thats been going on. moneys just bad right now.... and yet im still buying books at borders on a regular basis haha. i need to get my priorities in check- but i find it so difficult to care about things i dont give a shit about anymore. i cant give myself into that right now. theres too many other things going in my mind for me to worry about classes i dont need and people i cant stand. but anyway....i OWE this journal stuff ! lets go !

MAXWELL'S: YEA ! MORNING... played at maxwells in hoboken a few weeks ago and that was fantastic. id forgotten how much i really enjoy going to small shows like KAMEKAZI at golden age hall. that scene was thought to have died but it slowly coming back in tiny corners of the east coast. it was funyn because there were 3 other bands playing at maxwells but EVERYone who was there was there for morning... the promoter actually asked darryl and ben to tell all the kids to stay for the other bands haha. which needed to be done... cuz really NO one stuck around for the other bands. WE SHOT THE MOON, a band from san francisco who's already signed to MILITIA barely had anyone stick around for them. it was kinda sad cuz they're really good- kinda like MAE, that sorta thing. they were nice guys tho. darryl and i went to talk to them after they played and since they were from the west coast, they really werent expecting the kinda crowd they got. which was basically drunken Persian jumping around and knocking into people with drunken mike infante all over the place. It was great though- i'm going to help liz out with their merchandising since they dont really have anything yet. she found a tshirt vendor and im going to try and get a button machine. that show really pushed them further though- even if the FUELED BY RAMEN rep turned out to be a jerk. he was all nice and supportive when we met him, real chill y'know? and then he disappears and leaves ben with his tab at the bar. oh well, good thing the owner of maxwell's owns he own record label and wants MORNING... to headline for them next time. YEA !

VERMONT: oh my.... oh my.... my little roadtrip to vermont ! well that was a good one XD. first of all, lauren was suppose to come with me but had to work- youd think thatd upset me AND IT DID. but i BUSTED out that 6 hour drive in 5 on my own and with reckless abandon ! i cant tell you how relaxing and entertaining it was to just sit and drive for hours( on a beautiful day mind you) and get the hell outta town. i needed to leave.... i needed to NOT be in my house, my town, school, work- everything. and let me tell you, i had so much fun just watching other cars, blasting my music with the windows down, and stopping at random reststops. found the HILLBILLY FUN PARK. i plan on going there the next time ! also the NORMAN ROCKWELL museum ! wanna go there too. and there were tons of antique shops along the way..... if i wasnt in such a hurry to get up to vermont i would stopped so many times... haha

when i got there my brother and i went to STOWE for a bit so he could get some boarding in before all of the sun melted the snow for the season. i dont snowboard so i chilled at the bottom of the mountain near the stairs to the lodge on these HUGE barrels of hay. it was the most relaxed id been in weeks ! it was warm and bright and peaceful... i sat there for about an hour, hour and a half and just wrote in my journal and read my book. i got called out on it too:

middle aged guy with skis: well don't you looked relaxed !
me: well yes i am- its a lovely day !
middle aged guy: lucky for you ! you old enough to come get a drink with me in the lodge?
me: naaah not quite- sorry !
middle aged guy: aw... maybe next time *wink*

creepy older men... he wasnt the last -.-. then jono and i went to a waterfall off of the road and in the think of the forest ! it was beautiful... parts of it were still frozen too and you could see where the water had worn away the rocks and the cliffs. i cant descirbe it with words... as soon as i get the pictures from my brother ill post them- i have some with my camera but im not sure if they're good enough or not. we stayed in that night though. i was tired and so was jono so me, him, his girlfriend angie, and dave made burgers, drank for a bit, and played super mario brothers haha. it was nice. i didnt need to do something the whole time. i was happy just to be there.

the next day we headed out to montreal !! we had crepes at Jardin Nelson, a restaurant jono and i had been the last time we were there together. it was DELICIOUS ! had a daiquiri with my crepe... yum ^-^. we walked around the old city mostly. jono was being kinda crabby though so angie and i just ran around and took stupid pictures together. then some weird guys wanted to take pictures of me when angie told me to hop in this little cove in a stone wall.... WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?!!??! my brother has all of the good pictures- i wish i could post them. my camera got drenched in his gin and tonic from lunch that day :( so i dont have many pictures !!

that night we went to the MONTREAL CASINO! !! ! ! ! this my friends, was the most fun i had on this trip. picture me and my brother, drinking in the bar, getting pretty sloshed, and then running off to a roulette table. i WISH i could have filmed that excursion !! the first time we played, we sat a table with this eastern european man as the dealer or whatever he was and we were playing together as a team. after a few rounds one of our numbers pops up and we're like "hey ! we won ! how much do we get?" the guys like "8" . we thought he meant 8 dollars so we're like whatever- then he pushed 8 chips towards us, $40. we just look at each other and start yelling and laughing like idiots. and that was it- we instantly became hooked on roulette for the rest of the night. those people werent fun though.... everyone who was playing was all serious which i understand because some guys were making $3000 bets at the table. but we were so obviously american HAHAH. we were loud and drunk and just... annoying. it was fantastic. i cant wait to go back to a casino epecially with my bro.

we were up too... we were up like $100 and im like "jono lets stop and go get dinner with it ! " he goes "nah....c'mon ! lets play !" then we lost it all hahah. i didnt care. i only really lost $40 canadian and i had a blast doing it. i was sad to leave vermont though... while i was driving home i wasnt as relaxed and all these thoughts kept running through my mind- it was like with every mile i got closer to home, the more real all of the things i had run away from was becoming again. i was running... but for those few days it was worth it. i knew i couldnt escape everything for good- thats no way to conquer your battles. but it cleared my head a lot. i became a little stronger than i was when i left. i didnt want to come home but i didnt want to keep running away either.

i've basically just been taking things day by day. work takes up a lot of my time and then i go out every night. there's hardly a moment when i actually sit in my house and even watch tv anymore. ive been missing all of my favorite shows and ive been putting off a lot of homework (which im currently catching up on). ive been reabsorbing myself in my music once again and my books. its like theres not enough time in a day though... i still cant find the time to clean and go through my room. i dont care that much tho- as long as my days are filled it doesnt really matter what its filled with. summer is what im looking forward to right now. summer is what i need- soon enough.

"my girl, linen and curls
lips parting like all unfurled
she's grand the bend of her hand
digging deep into the sweep of the sand

summer arrives with a length of lights
summer blows away
and quietly gets swallowed by a wave
it gets swallowed by a wave..."

THIS much

2009-04-22T16:47:13Z

whenever i get my life back on track there's a couple of things i owe this journal:
- entry about maxwell's
- entry about vermont/montreal adventure

there's too much going on right, i barely have time to sit for 30 minutes at home. but i prefer it this way. school, work, friends and adventures is how ive been spending my time. my room reflects all of the chaos right now- i need to turn it right side up. oh, there's too much -.-

ships_to_stars @ 2009-04-14T11:23:00

2009-04-14T15:24:34Z

tonight, 7 o'clock morning... at Maxwell's in Hoboken !

everyone should be there !!!

sweetest commercial ever

2009-04-14T00:05:46Z

i hope this made everyone smile. i always do whenever i see it ^-^

superanna?

2009-04-12T18:32:59Z

so i woke up this morning with a cut over my left eyelid and cuts on my right wrist. no idea whatsoever where they came from. ive come to the conclusion that at night, in my sleep, i sneak out through my window, fight crime, then sneak back in and go back to sleep. all without me remembering a thing ! yea.... i think thats it

WHY?!

2009-04-09T15:10:02Z

so i have a lot of weird dreams.. dreams that speak of whats true deep down in my heart, dreams that remind of things i have forgotten, and dreams that make me wonder whats really hidden underneath the many layers of skin, flesh, and tendons. honestly, some id rather not talk about it, this is not one of them. for YEARS now i have had this reoccurring dream thats different but the same everytime. but its so insignificant i dont know why i have it ! when i tell you, you will all laugh and wonder if this is whats on my mind all of the time. its not i swear to god ! my subconscious just seems to bring it up every few weeks, so apparently i must not want to forget about it. god, it is SO stupid- i want to know WHY i keep having it !??!

ok so in all of these dreams i'm in a store. could be a bookstore, toystore, comic book store, video store- THAT kind of store. this time i was in a fleamarket in the city. im wandering around the comic book department and there they are- sailor moon graphic novels that i DONT own. i start snatching them up and then BEHIND them i find the individual issues that i DONT own. a chance to complete my collection that ive been striving to complete since i was 12 !!!

so someone please tell me- why, oh WHY have i been having different versions of this dream for years now? its true, its a goal of mine i still want to achieve, and with the use of ebay and amazong.com, theres a much better chance of my doing this now once i get some extra cash. but i dont think about it. EVER. never ever ever ever ever ever ever (mar-i-ellaaaa) ! i dont remember anything about it until i wake up from the dream.... they are the silliest of my reocurring dreams ( i have quite a few) and i would like to know why the universe and my subconscious wants me to remember this goal i made when i was 12. and always afterwards i go on an internet hunt for them !!! GUH, i dont get it ! granted, i DO want to complete both collections- i only have 6 of the graphic novels (nonconsecutive volumes) and 13 of the individual issues out of.... 36 i think? (most are consecutive but there are some holes to be filled)

i dont knoooow.... i have SO many other things on my mind and so many other complications popping up every day, maybe its just a way for my mind to relax, if that makes any sense. bring me back a simpler time and remember to take a step back for myself every now and then. this is such a pointless post but it bothered me so nyah ! oh subconscious life.

"what's in the air when you're walkin' on air?
where can we go where the lights are low?"

to hell with it !

2009-04-08T17:12:09Z

"To hell with reality ! I want to die in music, not in reason or in prose. People don't reserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them. To hell with them !"- Louis-Ferdinand Celine

this is my new code to live by

the little pants that could

2009-04-04T16:56:52Z

i know ive been on hiatus from the internerts for a while- and there was good reason. i avoided livejournal and facebook (everything but my lastfm cuz, well, my lastfm is amazing and i cant let that go :D) for the sake of myself but i think thats done with right now. not everythings safe, but im not going to shut myself away or shut out the people around me. thats the ONE thing ive beens sure not to do: shut people out. as some may know, ive been conflicted with the decision whether or not i shouldnt converse with certain people, and you ALL told me the SAME thing: "you can't shut out your friends" even if they're people you didnt realize honestly thought of you as their friend. thats something i dont want to do- i dont want to deny myself of anything including people. its not natural and the thought of it kind of makes me sick. i'm going to be who i want to be, see who i want to see, go where i want to go, and do what i want to do. and i want to go, see, and do EVERYTHING.

im already planning a trip to vermont with lauren possibly to visit my brother. "you NEED to get out of that state", he says haha. and its true- so April 16th-20th were prolly going to drive up and my brother wants to take me to montreal for a night (hes only an hour away from the border) and were gonna go bar hopping. i just wanna see my brother and be someone completely different right now. im also going to redo a section of my room (any of you who have been to my house) my computer table is a terrible, terrible, mess- comic books and things piled ALL over it. im going to pack away a lot of things, organize my closet, put stuff in there, and place this BEAUTIFUL 1950s pale yellow cosmetic table i found in the salvation army there. then go BACK to IKEA and buy a small chandelier and be amazing with it. im excited.

also going to be planning numerous trips in the future. i think DN, NG, GP, and AA have all heard about some of them already but hopefully in the near future/summer, theres going to be trips to shows (possibly dememberists, of montreal, and the like?), museums like the natural history and the met, aquariums, and anything else we can think of. the important thing is to keep busy and to take EVERY opportunity.

rule 57: never say no to a roadtrip- thanks laur laur ! oh yea im going to visit laurens school for an EVE 6 and ATARIS concert. HAHAHAH its going to be terrible but so much fun- cant wait. im glad i have things to look forward to right now. every day goes by cleaner and smoother than the day before. yesterday was great despite the rain ! lauren and i igot pedicures (happy toes ! i havent had one since prom and that was the FIRST time. so lauren was my second ^-^) then we had sushi lunch (sushi fish-SO DELISH !), then i went to work....guh.... then we saw ADVENTURELAND ! i think its one of my new favorite movies. everyone should go see it and take me so i can see it again.

end note: music is my crutch.

"remember...
this song could be about jesus
but it can also be about you
this song could be about jesus
but it can also be about you

be good
do all the things you should
be good
do it as you wish you would
be good
do all the things you should"

end of break

2009-03-22T17:23:50Z

its been a while since ive written and a lot has happened. Brian's 21st birthday bash went off without a hitch (cant tell you how afraid i was something was going to go wrong -.-). but it was great ! most everyone showed up and everyone had a great time ^-^. saw my lovely lion-hearted lea a couple weeks ago and sat in the pompton queen like we do most times. we had a very depressing date where we unloaded all of our shit and id just like the world to know that when it comes to deserving shit in their life, lea does not deserve it one bit. when there's something in my life thats bothering, its usually partly my fault its bothering me in the first place. lea's too great of a person and she doesn't deserve it one bit. i love my lea. then we went to GSP and lea had a very FABOO shopping day while i watched with hurtful eyes. i couldnt buy a thing ! but its ok. we have good times regardless.

i visited east side high school in paterson with my teaching ed class and THAT was crazy. i dont even think i need to reiterate this again because anyone who's reading this ive probably already told you with fervor what is was like to be there. after the visit my motivation skyrocketed- i cant say that i would love to work in a place like east side, but what i got out of it from seeing the students, speaking to the teachers, and listening to the principal is going to stick with me. seeing students struggle with work 3rd graders found easy when i was in school was heartbreaking. for one thing i never want my OWN childrent to have to go through that. i refuse to allow them to slip so much in their studies where they're reading 2nd grade material during freshman year of high school. of course i understand that there are other circumstances at play for these students- there are other factors that have contributed to this other than than laziness and lack of motivation. after i thought about all this when i left the school, i considered switching to middle school education or even elementary because THAT is when all of these problems should be taken care of. for a school system to let their student graduate and become THIS far behind is mind boggling, whereas a school only 20 minutes away has an abundance of AP and Honors students at every which end. i know it sounds selfish of me, but id still rather teach high school. its going to be difficult and stressful but for ONCE i dont want to take the easy way out. i want the challenge and i want to be able to overcome everyones doubts in me. most people, not everyone, but most people think im crazy for wanting to teach high school. my mother for one wants me to teach small children. i dont want to. theres no challenge besides the length of your patience. id go insane. i want the challenge and i want to push through and overcome even my OWN doubts that may or may not exist. but there's no doubt in my mind that this is what i WANT- no one's going to change my mind about that.

anyway ! that got kind of intense... and im sure that whole last paragraphy isnt organized at all. im not into proofreading these entries. if thats how my mind is going to wander while i write it than so be it ! i proofread all my schoolwork so much i dont feel like doing it here at this point haha. what else has happened...... DQ opened back up and i thank GOD it did. im so happy to have my job back, not only because im broke, but because i missed my coworkers and i missed my job in general. but yea- i missed the money im not gonna lie hahah. its frustrating right now tho because our new boss refuses to allow one of our kids back. he says he doesnt trust him inside the store which doesnt make sense because he doesnt even know him. sure, the kid's goofed off a few times but it was always harmless. I'VE never heard any customers complain about him, he's never broken anything, he's never stolen anything, he's always listened when told to do something (to me anyway)- and everyone else loves to work with him. which is even worse, our general manager TOLD said worker COULD return under some sort of probation. and then i find out two days ago that he really couldnt. we all feel terrible about it.... all of the kids who know about it are upset said worker isnt returning, and im just pissed our new owner didnt even ASK anyone what the other managers think about it. when it comes to fixing up the store and making it more efficient he WANTS our input, but when it comes to keeping a vital member of the team he doesnt give a shit. im not saying he has to do what we say, i understand that its his final word and thats what counts, i just dont think he should have done it blindly when he still doesnt know any of us. he doesnt know anything that goes on within the store and he has NO idea how much we actually need said worker. its just frustrating.... we'll deal but its sad.

with all things said and done this year kinda started out rough, but with spring on its way everything's starting to look up. when i got out of school i was really certain of who i was, almost certain of what i wanted, and confident in what kind of person i was. its naive- i know, but that was also 3 years ago. a lot happened in those 3 years and i can safely say im glad im not that person anymore. sure, sometimes its harder to get through a certain day than another, and sometimes i cant stand myself ( i think everyone thinks that sometimes tho). but id rather not be able to stand myself and id rather understand that im not finished yet. at 20/21 years old NO one should think that they're done growing up. i dont care who you are, but at this point in our lives, no one can know EXACTLY who they are. something is going to happen or someone is going to walk into your life to make you think otherwise- and it can only do you a world of good, even if its painful along the way. i'm willing to keep growing, learning, and accepting the fact there are many things i dont like about myself but these are things that i CAN fix. they're things that i want to fix. so come on spring !! im gonna take you head on (but slow and steady so i dont fuck up) haha.
<3
"there is no trust without meaning
there is no easy way when i

crane my neck to kiss your head, i know
that there is something that i can rely on
and when i strain my thoughts
to push this thread i sew
it's some kind of future
that i can be sure of"

How many cellphones have you had?
four- technically 5 cuz i had two of the same shitty samsung

What's the last thing you laughed really hard over?
allen was offered a xanax at the pompton queen by a waitress cuz she thought he had anger management issues

How old is the last person you kissed?
21.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
actually i was hacking up mucas and recoverring from disturbing dreams, so no

Are you the youngest person living in your house?
yup.

Do you have a bad temper?
not usually, but depending on the situation i can blow up pretty easily.

Do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school?
maybe 2?

Do you believe that there's good in everybody?
I believe that everyone has good at them during certain points in their life and then has a hint of bad in them at others

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
brian

In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
oh, im a double-upper.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
always, but never alone

What will you do Thursday?
sit through boring math, sit around in the student center, then sit through a boring lecture in fitness class and go endure high school-like gym class with freshman boys. hopefully having a drink afterwards?

What color are your eyes?
BROWN

Have you ever kissed someone that smokes?
yup

Is there someone in your life you don't want in it?
umm... there's no one i see on a daily basis i dislike that much

Do you get jealous easily?
unfortunately yes- i am currently working on my own insecurities

Where do you see yourself in the next 2 years?
hopefully out of school

What woke you up this morning?
mucas- gross

In the past week, have you cried?
yup

Have you ever dated/or had a crush on a guy named John?
nope- my dad, at least 3 uncles, and sometimes my brother are named john. itd be way too weird

How many times have you gotten detention in school?
only once in 8th grade because dan klingen wouldnt stop talking to me. when i told him to stop i got in trouble for talking in class

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
always

Do you like to cuddle?
i'm a champ

What do you currently hear?
steve carrell (the forty year old virgin)

Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment?
Nope.

Have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush?
nope- ive never had to say it first

Last place you hugged someone?
middle of my bedroom

Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
naaaah

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
overall, yes. at this very second? not so much

Ever liked someone that you didn't think you stood a chance with?
Yup.

Ever been called a bitch?
not seriously

When's the next time you'll see your closest friend?
one tomorrow !

Is anyone over protective over you?
i wouldnt say OVERprotective. just protective

Are you any good at math?
heeeeeell no

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
umm.... no. and i dont think anyone would WANT me to hahah

Is there someone you'd wait forever for?
only if they'd wait for me

Is it easy to make you smile?
yea- i smile at lots of stupid stuff

One thing you're looking forward to?
summer sun

Why did you cry the last time you did?
fear

Something you say when you are mad?
"jesus christ"

Did you cry at all today?
nah

When was the last time you ate Frosted Flakes?
no clue

Do you like water parks?
YES

If you could have something right now, what would it be?
freedom

Does anyone call you babe?
don't call me babe, baby, biddy, biscuit, or boo

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
never- ive beenn deprived. its been years since ive been on one and i NEED it

Would you date someone right now if they asked you?
nope- i dont want anyone else

Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
hahahaah, yeah....

Do you have any bruises?
on my legs for some reason...i bruise way too easily

Do you have a best friend?
3

Which is better sunrise or sunset?
"i thought a sunset was the most beautiful thing in the world, until i saw the sun rise"

What were you doing at 12 o'clock last night?
i lost track of time was somepoint, but i was either in skyline diner or cuddling

Have you ever gotten butterflies from someone?
still do

Where were you at 7:17PM last night?
walking the doggies around skyline lake

Besides this, what are you doing right now?
Waiting for AG to call me.

Will you be up before 7AM tomorrow?
oh god, hopefully no -.-

What is something you disliked about your day?
there's nothing in my house i want to eat

What was the last thing you drank?
aqua

Did you have a dream last night?
i always dream

Is there anything stressing you out currently?
apparently since im still getting migraines

Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
completely and utterly happy

Who are you missing the most right now?
well....

Who was the first person you talked to today?
if its when the day turned, brian. if its when i woke up, my mom

What are you NOT looking forward to?
writing two whole papers today...

Are you a forgiving person?
not on the inside. but eventually ill forget

How late did you stay up last night and why?
2:30 am. i was cuddling. how many times will that be my answer?

Do you wish on 11:11?
always

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
hell no- i love lauren !

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
classes from 9:30-3:45, then mall date with lauren, then guilty pleasure movie date with lauren XD

Do you have an older brother?
JONOOOOOOOO

Are you wearing socks?
yea- they're pink with little flowers. i cant wait till its warm and i dont need them

When someone says "we need to talk", what do you think is going to happen?
everything's going to hell

Do you need to say anything to anyone?
always- and i forget what it is the moment i see them

Do you know anyone named Taylor?
nope

Are you friends with someone who's older than you?
yup

In the past week, have you felt stupid?
more times than not

Are you allowed to stay up later than ten o' clock on a week night?
i make my OWN rules !

Does anything on your body hurt right now?
my throat and my nose :(

Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
not that i know of besides school and work.... i wanna go to wildwood, the city, and maybe A.C tho

Do you have plans today?
waste time on LJ, work 4-8, write two papers, and possible go to the diner in between with darryl

eh...

2009-03-01T00:52:29Z

today i completed my first day of heavy homework for the semester and it wasnt even all that much. the process took me about 3 and a half hours, but it wasnt difficult work. organizing notecards for a research paper and a powerpoint. easy but tedious. ive run out of things to occupy myself with though. i want to read but im kind of bored of reading at the moment. all ive done is read in my spare time for the passed three weeks and i need a break. i was going to go to the movie tonight but by the time i decided to go it was kinda late. i might still go tho. i havent been to the movies by myself in a long time but ive done it before. doesnt really bother me. maybe ill see slumdog- who knows? i dont like wasting time but i also hate wasting it inside my house. i need to get out. y'know, even if its a 10 o'clock showing i might go.

this entry seems really pointless. i dont know why i felt compelled to document any of this. i was just sitting in my dimly lit room and felt all blah.... i gotta cheer myself up. i feel like a saturday night movie might do the trick. i just know i cant sit here. ive been doing homework for a while and im all depressed with thoughts of elephants going crazy in Uganda, Africa.

this entry is so pointless im not even going to grace it with a song at the end. its that pointless

guh...

2009-02-21T15:33:08Z

if i was in a race that was all about falling asleep, i would be way behind the starting line. this is the second night this week i've only gotten 3 hours of sleep. i just dont know what to do... i really hope my new bed solves my sleeping issues, but i have a feeling its foolish to place all of my hope on a bed. but its all ive got at this point... i'm just so exhausted. for once id like to sleep the whole night through without be woken numerous times during the night by stomach cramps that i cant explain. why cant i sleep....?

it is complete !

2009-02-16T05:59:20Z

some of you may already know this and some of you may not but for a while i was planning a project that i wasnt sure i was going to be figure out, much less complete. and 11 days ago i started that project ! i began my duvet (cover for a comforter) and today i finished it ! below is a photo documentary of the process. im not sure if itll be exciting or interesting at all but i photographed the process for myself and this is actually the most organized way for me to see it. here it is !!
this is the first piece of fabric i laid down for basic measurements. it will serve to be part of the belly !
now i am trimming the threads thats unraveled when i put the fabric through the wash. when i first started making pillows i never washed the fabric. it never occured to me haha. now its soft and clean ^-^
second piece of belly fabric laid next to the first. one piece was not enough !
the original comforter that i'm going to cover is too long for the length of the fabric. (its tigger and winnie the pooh by the way ^-^.)
the edges of the fabric got wrinkled from being put through the wash. it made it difficult to stich evenly. so i used my hair straightener instead of an iron to flatten it out. unfortunately some spots got scorched, but you can't see it anyway
this is how much extra fabric was still there after eyeballing how much was needed in the first place. cut that !
safety pins to keep the fabric in place
the stitching begins !
overview of stitching
fabric is now wide enough but not long enough. still need another piece of fabric
that much more
after sewing on the missing bottom piece, i laid out the patterned fabric i wanted to use for the top part. you can see that THAT piece is also too small width and length wise. what i'm going to do is use the excess red fabric and stitch it to the ends of the patterned fabric, so it becomes centered with a red border
this is how it looks sewn together
its flowing now
top half over bottom half
bottom half folded over top half? dont know why this is here

edges sewn onto center piece
here i'm sewing folded edges over. this is going to be the top flap that buttons the duvet closed. i do this to make the edges nice and neat without any fringe.
bad picture but you get the idea
ugly fringe
top flap complete ! yet unattached
the top part turned out like the bottom part- in length, it was just not long enough. that's where the flap came in in the first place. but in order for it to fit neatly i had to add on those two little ends to... make ends meet?
close up of the patterned fabric

the bottom half and the top half are now sewn together. that gap in the top center is where the cover flap will go
flap attached by pins so i can stitch them together !
attached but not closed
here i'm sewing the original comforter in the inside lining of the duvet. i actually did this throughout the whole inside. i had to crawl inside and sew like the corners together so that when i close up the duvet, the comforter inside doesnt move around and get squished into one side or another of the duvet
here i'm playing around with the buttons on the cover flap. i didnt have the right number i wanted but i also didnt want to have to wait to finish it when i was so close to finally being done. if i do buy more though, i can unstitch the buttons and rearrange them
this i what i wanted to do
this is how i wanted to do it, but i didnt have the right number in the right sizes. i might still do it, but for now im ok with what i was able to do
this is how i ended up doing it. it doesnt looks great but its alright for now.
COMPLETE
hahaha my homemade comforter
now the red part with the buttons

happy valentine's day

2009-02-14T17:02:17Z

"take away love and our earth is a tomb"- Robert Browning

i love it

2009-02-12T16:21:56Z

i know everyone's seen this commercial before but its so great. ive never seen a more feel good commercial and i smile unctrontollably whenever i see it or hear the song ^-^

....why? ...honestly- WHY?

2009-02-10T04:19:41Z

so my brother just informed me the THE CURE and MORRISSEY are playing at COACHELLA this year..... fuck you california..... fuck you
the two artists i want to see before they stop existing, TOGETHER, and they're on the other side of the continent.... why must you torture me... ?

walking on ice

2009-02-08T08:36:45Z

best midnight rendezvous ever

WHAT?!

2009-02-06T02:10:21Z

so today i learned that girls really dont want to be friends with me- and all this time i thought it was ME who had a problem with most other girls. nope. they dont like me either. in BOTH my classes today i tried to strike up conversations with girls who sat near or were around me and they werent having it. in math i tried to talk to 2 girls who sit in front of me. they're both nice and smart- i thought maybe since we were all having trouble we could work together or something. nope. anything i said to them was greeted with a short response or nothing at all. and in my fitness class i tried to talk to 3 girls who sit around me when we got into the gym. and one girl who was actually on my team (we were the only girls on our team) left me to go too another team when i tried to talk to her. i dont get it !!! im not even trying to talk about anything cazy. just class. thats it. just to strike up a "so how's the weather" sorta dealy and nothing. im not gonna give up tho. by the end of this semester i WILL make at least one friend. i just don't know why these girls wont talk to me. i even tried to talk to one girl everyone was avoiding. i was like "well i even said hello to this girl yet, and she looks kinda lonely." so i stood by her in when we were playing battle-ball (yes- there IS battle-ball in college apparently) and she brushed me off completely.

im not upset just confused as hell. this happens in french class too. there are three girls who i try to talk to there and they ignore me. but not this new girl in the class. she's a lot older than me at least she'll be my speaking partner. she's nice, her name's Fatima (i think o.O) but i just wanna know WHY these girls in my classes wont talk to me. im not gonna give up trying to talk and get at least friendly enough to work together in class with. i like the girls i work with in my teaching class tho. they're sweet and easy to talk to. teachings probably a good profession for them all haha. im the most outspoken tho, which i'm not really used to. makes me feel kinda like the leader of our group. i'm already trying to find a time we can all meet and work on our presentation together but im still missing one girls info. but she's nice ! so i dont really care haha.

i think im gonna work up the nerve to go to the gym tomorrow. i just hate being that person who has NO idea where she's going and what' allowed and whats not. i havent been to a gym since stockton and they're all different. but i feel like i'll feel better about myself if i go. i mean i have the passes i may as well take advantage of them before they expire in march. WOW thats kinda soon... i didnt even realize it.

and i hope no one forget that on wednesday, February 11th, is the premier of Demetri Martin's IMPORTANT THINGS !!!! i know that i, myself, and extremely excited for this. thank GOD its on after LOST though or else id have to skip it. but no, it airs at 10:30 i believe and it will be amazing. i missed Demetri Martin SO much i cant wait to see what blatantly obvious silliness in the world he has figured out this time !!! everyone should watch...... and respond ! cuz let's face- its IMPORTANT.
<3
"i had to phone someone so i picked on you
hey, that's far out so you heard him too !
switch on the TV we may pick him up on channel two
look out your window i can see his light
if we can sparkle he may land tonight
don't tell your papa or he'll have us locked up in fright"

just for now

2009-02-05T01:20:39Z

my brother will be okay. my parents and i have complete faith (in what-have-you) that he'll fall on his feet. he's already applied to two jobs, one of which he knows someone who works there already and tomorrows he's applying for unemployment. he'll definately get unemployment we just arent sure exactly how much. he'll be ok though, he always seems to be able to find a way.

on a lighter note, i was able to accomplish something today i've trying to do for a while now ! i began making the comforter cover, the duvet, i've trying to start for months now. i got the bottom basically done and probably tomorrow or friday i'll start the top section, which will be slightly more complicated planning-wise... but i'mm sure i'll be able to figure it out. but im kinda disappointed im making progress as quickly as i am. i was hoping it would keep me busy for at least a week. that doesnt seem to be the case. i dont have anymore fabric to make anything with ! ii can probably make a pillowcase from the spare fabric im using with this but after that... nothing ! how else will i occupy myself? suggestions welcome !! lemme know if youve got any crazy things for me to do. i'll do it, i don't want to sit infront of the TV ! unless i'm playing FINAL FANTASY... yeah. i'll definately continue doing that.

and let me just add on a finaly note: the office will always put a smile on my face. regardless of whatever is my ailment. the office will always cheer me up and i think most people can understand that.
<3

"in bermondsey and burberry, you held me at the barricade
the pigs arrived with tear gas
and i wept at the mistakes we made
we stalked the streets like animals
and danced as windows shattered
for our island, for the thrill of it
for everything that mattered"